My partner and I have made the decision to not have children. After many years of being together and 10 years of being formally engaged with no plans to get married, we are a disappointment to friends and family. We are also very happy with our life choices.
Over the years we have heard many reasons as to why we should have children, but the most popular is that we would make great parents. It is so presumptive of people to think that we would be good parents. Yes, we love each other and wish to grow old together. Yes, we both have wonderful parents who have stayed together over 40 years through good times and bad. Yes, we are both generally nice people with good morals and a clear view of how children should be raised. Yes, we are both healthy and have stable incomes and a fantastic range of schools in our catchment area.
In my opinion, these are still inadequate reasons to have children. Maybe this is enough for some, but we have agreed that being childless is our way. We both believe that the world is over-populated and cannot sustain the vast numbers of humans already swarming across the planet. We both love the freedom that we share to do what we want when we want. Don’t get me wrong, we have a cat that we both love and cherish so we understand commitment and responsibility, but children are not cats. You can’t put a bowl of food down for your child and go out for drinks and dinner for a few hours and expect that your child will be safe and happy when you return.
We both have concerns that genetic traits in the families could possibly be passed on with catastrophic events; it has happened before it could happen again. We share the same, maybe harsh view that if we had a child with a severe disability that we wouldn’t be able to cope, and we would have to live with the guilt of parenting a child that is in permanent care away from us. We both have the same anxiety and worries that we would be doing a terrible parenting job and it would exacerbate anxiety issues within the partnership, possibly pushing us apart. And lastly, I have a fear that I would end up a statistic and our child would be one of the 29.6 in 100 000 under the age of 24 months that would be hospitalised per year in Australia for being shaken and acquiring a brain injury (Liley et al., 2012).
I know it sounds extreme, and I don’t suffer from anger issues, but surely the people who snap and end up killing their babies or cause permanent damage to them didn’t set out to do so. They probably thought and were told by their family and friends that they would make great parents too. They were probably told just as I have, “not to be silly and alarmist, you could never do something like that”! Who really knows until you are in that situation? So from simple reasons like wishing to spend earnings on travel instead of school tuition, to radical reasons like infanticide, we have chosen not to breed.
Living in a pronatalist country can be difficult. I think women find their choice to not have children especially challenging. Men may see it as ‘lucky’ or ‘dodging a bullet’ if they haven’t had kids or know someone without children. In an article written for ABC Life, one man said that he never felt the need to procreate but was frowned on by his father for not being ‘manly’ enough. The same man had also been called gay for not having kids. It is a bizarre deduction to be made about someone, especially your own son. Getting a woman pregnant shouldn’t mean you are masculine, and gay men can have children too. It’s just another form of male bravado and bigotry where our opinions are thrust onto others. Another interviewed man had similar anxieties about the environmental impact that having a child or multiple children has on the world. He also has hereditary issues that impact his health and that of his family and felt a responsibility not to pass on anything to a future child. (Scott. (2020).
Women can be persistent, rude, presumptive, callous, and mean when they hear that you don’t have children or are thinking about not having children. They assume that everyone wants to do it, they presume that everyone can, they expect that women are missing out on the greatest love and experience they have ever had, and they can become nasty when they think that a woman’s purpose is being wasted by not breeding. I have received my share of pressure over the years from family and friends. Regardless of how many times they’ve been told that my choice has been made, they can’t seem to let the issue lie. Why is it everybody’s business whether you have children or not? Why am I meant to feel guilty or half a woman? Another word that seems to pop up a lot is selfish. Surely to choose not to have children is a selfless act. I have chosen not to add a hungry mouth to the hordes, I have chosen not to add another 58.6 tonnes of CO2 emissions annually to the earth’s already polluted state (Nicholas and Wynes. 2017). I have also taken it a step further and not added another possible murderer to cause pain and suffering to my family and greater society.[1]
When women are questioned, made to feel guilty, pressured, and isolated for their personal decisions, then they feel unworthy, sexless, and disregarded. What gives anyone the right to cause pain, suffering, and segregation to others? Why should humans breed just so we are not alone or have someone to care for us when we’re old? Is this an acceptable reason to have children? In an article by Kellie Scott for ABC Life, many women were interviewed as to their reasons and possible regrets for deciding not to have kids. She found that some women had never had maternal feelings and that the right opportunity hadn’t presented itself. Most of the women shared my thoughts that environmental impact and lack of freedom were more concerning than having children.
Many people believe that without children we’ll live sad, lonely lives. One way this will happen is when friends and family cease inviting us and including us in events and celebrations because we’re the ‘childless couple’ and probably have something better to do, or we don’t like kids so we wouldn’t enjoy ourselves. My partner and I and several friends and acquaintances have all experienced some form of assumption, guilt, pain, and exclusion because of their childlessness. This speaks to me of a society lost in an antiquated view of our purpose. Who’s to say that my purpose is not to have children, but to be a brilliant vet nurse and up and coming writer? I’m glad of my decision, no kids are required, needed, or wanted to bring happiness to our lives. My partner and I are happy with ourselves. [1] (This statement refers to a personal tragedy on my partner’s side of the family regarding a cousin with bipolar disorder).
My genre for this piece is a feature article. I have chosen this topic as it has impacted my life hugely and requires a medium that allows for a certain amount of personal opinion and individual input. As this is an opinion piece railing against the norm and reaching out to women and men considering their options, Archer magazine would be on the top of my list to approach to have my piece published.
References
Liley, W., Stephens, A., Kaltner, M., Larkins, S., Franklin, R. C., Tsey, K., Stewart, R., Stewart, S. (2012). Infant abusive head trauma: Incidence, outcomes and awareness. Australian Family Physician, 41(10), 823-826. https://www.racgp.org.au/download/documents/AFP/2012/October/201210liley.pdf
Nicholas, K. A, Wynes, S. (2017). The climate mitigation gap: education and government recommendations miss the most effective individual action. Environmental Research Letters, 12(7), 1-9. https://iopscience.iop.org/article/10.1088/1748-9326/aa7541/pdf
Scott, K. (2020) Childfree men on ‘leaving behind a legacy’ and other pressures. ABC Life. https://www.abc.net.au/life/childfree-men-on-leaving-behind-a-legacy-and-other-pressures/11274052
Scott, K. (2020). Women share what it’s like to live childfree and have zero regrets. ABC Life. https://www.abc.net.au/life/women-share-what-its-like-to-live-childfree-and-with-no-regrets/11223972